You ever find yourself pissed off that your wife didn’t do something you never actually asked her to do?
Like...
She should’ve known I needed space.She should’ve thanked me for helping around the house.She should’ve initiated intimacy by now.
It’s frustrating, right? And if you’re anything like most of the guys I coach, you’ve been there more times than you care to admit.
Today I want to shine a light on something that creates a whole lot of unnecessary tension in marriage:
Expectations vs Agreements
This is one of those distinctions that sounds subtle but changes everything when you start living it.
Expectations
Expectations are often invisible. They live in your head, formed by your past, your values, and your assumptions about how people should behave—especially your partner.
And when they go unmet, they leave you stewing in disappointment and resentment.
Here’s the problem:
Expectations are usually unspoken, unrealistic, and one-sided.
You set the bar. You judge the outcome. And when it doesn’t happen? You feel let down—and often, you blame her.
This is classic Nice Guy behavior.
You do something “nice” for your wife and expect her to magically know what you want in return. You hold the door open, clean the kitchen, suppress your frustration—and secretly hope for praise, affection, or sex.
That is what my friend Dr. Robert Glover calls a covert contract. You give with the unspoken condition that you’ll get something back.
And when the return on your invisible investment doesn’t show up?
Smoldering resentment.
Agreements
Agreements, on the other hand, are explicit. They’re grounded in mutual respect, open communication, and shared reality.
When you make an agreement, both people know what’s expected. Both people say yes. Both people are free to say no.
Let’s break it down:
• Expectation: She should just know I want sex tonight.
• Agreement: "Hey babe, I’d love to connect physically tonight. Can we make time for that?"
• Expectation: She should handle the kids in the morning.
• Agreement: "Can we make a plan for mornings where I handle breakfast and you do drop-off?"
See the difference?
One creates pressure. The other invites partnership.
Agreements require you to speak up. To be clear. To be vulnerable.
And that takes guts. But it’s also the path to connection and trust.
Here’s a quick breakdown of the core differences:
| Expectations | Agreements |
|---|---|
| Unspoken | Clearly communicated |
| One-sided | Mutual |
| Often unrealistic | Based on reality |
| Control-based | Collaboration-based |
| Leads to resentment | Builds trust and clarity |
If you’re frustrated in your marriage, there’s a good chance you’ve been living in expectation mode without even realizing it.
How to Shift from Expectations to Agreements
Try these changes:
1. Catch the expectation. Notice when you’re holding someone—your wife, your kids, yourself—to a standard you never clearly stated.
2. Name it. Ask yourself: Did we actually agree on this? Or am I assuming she should just know?
3. Speak it out loud. Turn the invisible into something real. Say, “Hey, I realize I’ve been expecting XYZ—can we talk about what works for both of us?”
4. Be open to a no. Agreements work because they’re chosen. Not forced. Respect her autonomy and yours.
5. Adjust when things change. Life moves. Agreements can too. Keep the communication going.
This is what real masculine leadership looks like—not control, not manipulation—but clarity, courage, and kindness.
LEAD YOURSELF FIRST
This isn’t just about how you relate to your wife. It’s also how you relate to yourself.
Are you holding yourself to vague, perfectionistic expectations that leave you feeling like a failure?
Try making agreements with yourself:
- “I commit to 30 minutes of exercise today.”
- “I will pause before reacting when I feel triggered.”
Clarity is kindness—even with yourself.
A healthy marriage isn’t about unspoken contracts and silent scorekeeping.
It’s about connection. It’s about leading with heart.
Expectations create pressure.Agreements create partnership.Covert contracts create confusion and resentment.
Here's your assignment:
What’s one expectation you’ve been holding that you can turn into an agreement today?
Drop a comment and let me know what agreement you're going to make today.
